Black Clouds and Misery - Healing the HurtWe all have our own black clouds and misery - unhappy life changing events that are beyond our control. Since this site was born out of such a situation I've decided to share my unhappiness story here too.I must have cycled through the stages of grief innumerable times back then. However, stress, hurt and pain are so deep-seated and even I was surprised at the immense healing gained from writing down these events. It goes to show that even though you think you have dealt fully with issues, they have simply taken themselves to a dark corner of your world and lie in wait for you there. My Own Black Clouds and MiseryIn 1999 I was so desperately unhappy I went on holiday to New Zealand with my mum. I did it to get as far away from my husband as I could, but he never ever had even the faintest glimmer of that realisation. It's hard now to believe it started so long ago and I let it carry on for so long. It was 1996 that my life fell apart. My husband had open heart surgery to replace a leaky aortic valve. He'd waited almost a year for the operation. He never discussed with me his thoughts, feelings or fears about the surgery. On May 20th he received his new valve and was in hospital for three weeks. Not a willing patient he was suffering terrible headaches, due, as it turned out to a slight stroke during or after the operation -(apparently reasonably common due to tissue fragments floating around the body.) 'He who has health has hope, and he who has hope has everything' ~ Arabian Proverb After three weeks in hospital a friend collected him and drove us the 50k journey home. I didn't know it then, but that journey home was the beginning of the nightmare for us. He reacted really badly to our friend not answering his mobile phone quickly when it rang. It seemed reasonable. He'd been through a lot and was fragile of course. Time has faded the memories of that day and so much of what we've been through since, but the emotional scars are not fully healed. It makes you wary. You question what you could have done differently.Black Clouds and Misery - Early daysFor the first three weeks he was like a man possessed. Physically he was a raging bull. He locked himself out one day so climbed over the 2 metre high side gate. He then scaled our huge oak tree armed with his chainsaw and completely hacked out the top of it. His heart was certainly mended. Before the operation he was having difficulty walking 20 yards. He took our his anger sawing and disposing of the logs, twigs and leaves, and lighting bonfires. He hated everyone and everything. His eyes were strange, piercing and possessed. He had a heightened sense of smell and hated cooking fat, oil, deodorant and household cleaning products. For ten months he slept on a mattress downstairs and we kept out of his way. He had the most amazing temper tantrums, pummelling his head with his hands, shouting and crying. He threatened to kill himself on numerous occasions or threw himself on the floor asking us to get a knife and kill him. Following a suicide threat he took off one night through neighbouring villages and fields, across golf courses and farmland, with police in hot pursuit. When the police returned him home I had the girls in the car ready to leave. The police told me her was perfectly lucid and that I should stay with him that night. We tried to carry on our lives as normal. Our elder daughter had just started work, and the younger one was taking her GCSE's. We feared walking back into the house, not knowing what we would find. In the August of that same year my eldest nephew died suddenly. He had muscular dystrophy and so we should have expected it, but I think you never are really prepared. My husband didn't go to the funeral. He was still in his own misery. The rest of us were in pieces but it took the focus off our troubles. My nephew was my sister's only child. Back home we settled down to our somewhat fraught existence, as you do. You do your very best to get back to normality all the time trying to provide support, compassion, empathy, whatever it takes. My husband went back to work after ten months, but home life got no better. We dreaded him walking through the front door - this huge black cloud descended on the house and the family. We lived in 'splendid isolation' as friends and family no longer visited due to the stress and tension in the house. We all lived a double life. Getting out to work, going on weekend training courses so glad to be away from such an awful existence, yet having to return at some point.Black Clouds and Misery - the ConsequencesAs with most families we came to live with it. We never went out together because of likely outbursts, flare-ups and temper tantrums. It was impossible to go shopping as my husband would cause a scene over the slightest thing. He became paranoid about tiny receipt slips, spilled coffee, drivers not obeying the rules of the road, He sought conflict and stood his ground. He even ended up at the police station for not showing his train ticket (which he had in his pocket.) It was not forgetfulness - but willfulness. He disliked the attitude of the railway official. Not only were these incident embarrassing, but I bore the brunt of the anger that followed. Yes, he smashed things he never me of the girls. Still the fear alone keeps your wits on a knife-edge. We avoided even the shortest car journey as he threatened to drive into a wall, or drove deliberately close to other cars, pedestrians and cyclists 'to teach them a lesson.' Although he still continued to work (self-employed) he was in a deep depression at home. He would accept no help, was paranoid again about information stored about him, and yet he was desperately unable to deal with the situation himself. We shared the same house but became the quite literally ships that pass in the night, either getting up late or going to bed early. Attempts to share time together, ended up in downward spiralling negative conversations - thus increasing his depression and frustrating the hell out of me. I tried so many tactics to avoid conflict and to be supportive. The girls both lived with their partners by this time. When they came to visit my husband was unable to share their company with me so I would go out and let them spend time with their dad. Christmas was an absolute nightmare, year after year. Of course we did our best to cope, to change it and to deal with it. Attention seeking behaviours were the norm, rocking back and forth, lying in the middle of the room, spilling his drink, getting in a temper, not eating the Christmas dinner despite the trouble we had gone to. There is so much more, but thankfully time has papered over the cracks. It sounds feeble now. In the scheme of life's misery it is nothing compared to horrifically tragic events in other people's lives.Black Clouds and Misery - the LearningsI have never had regrets about decisions I have taken in my life, but staying that night is one I still question. For my own sanity I did eventually leave, only to return stronger than ever. This time it is with my boundaries firmly in place, the self-knowledge and awareness to know what is important to me, (my children and grandchildren), the courage to share my story and limitless determination to put happiness above all else.What I know to be true is that we find the strength from somewhere and:- 'What does not kill you makes you stronger.' Return from Black Clouds to Happinesspages |
Share Your Story?Yes it takes courage to tell others what you have been through. You can remain anonymous or use a pen-name if is helps to free you from the burden of the past.Your story will have its own happinesspage and give courage and support to others too. Please submit your story via this page. |
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